I still can remember almost 7 years ago being in a place of darkness. I’m not sure I could call it postpartum depression as it started before the baby was born. And after the baby arrived, it got worse, and I was too prideful to admit there was a real issue and I needed help. We had just moved back here after 3 amazing years in Argentina. We didn’t really want to be here honestly. We had fallen in love with living overseas.
Two weeks after we landed we made the discovery I was pregnant with baby #3 …our Ana… or as we call our Boo! I had always wanted more kids but then God sent us packing. So I shelved that dream and then eventually I gave up that dream, not without lots of kicking and screaming, but nonetheless I surrendered and found peace. Boo is 7 years and 9 years younger than my oldest two. I was 37 and tired already. Pregnancy with her was so different than my others, just harder. I had mentally prepared myself to be going back to work when we returned. I was looking forward to it honestly. We made the decision to hold off on that now that baby #3 was coming.
And so….. I sat in my house alone day after day for almost that entire pregnancy, minus the project to unpack and decorate a new house, and I just waited on the baby and pouted on being there, here, in a place where I didn‘t want to be. And I felt guilty too. Many women would kill for that kind of time.
Reverse culture shock for expats and missionaries is so real! In my opinion, it’s worse than the move there in many ways. Six months after we moved back my Dad was diagnosed with Stage 4 lymphoma. Now it made sense (as if me being pregnant weren’t enough reason) but this for sure is why we were here. Frequent trips to MD Anderson began. My parents lived 700 miles away. My house was their second home for the next year.
The sandwich generation… the age where you still are raising your family but also helping your parents stay alive, it’s no joke. Ana arrived and life with a new baby seemed beautiful on the outside but on the inside it was a messy, depressing, lonely, and a very unstable and weird time. This went on for 3.5 years or so- my emotions, my loneliness, but also my attempt to be super mom and also super daughter. I felt like I had more to give the world and this baby #3 imprisoned me. Don’t get me wrong I loved her and there was so much guilt for ever thinking life as her mom was anything but I wanted or beautiful.
I put on yoga pants and that messy bun and smiled at people every day with the teeth I may or may not have brushed that day. My baby was cute. My family was precious. Smile and wave girl… smile and wave. I played the game, the game where I’ve got it all together but most days it was chaotic. I was a yeller and crier. I had one friend that met with me regularly to pray. She was in a similar season. We’d pray while sitting on the floor of a kid‘s room, me nursing, her trying to keep her son entertained and not use the bunk bed for a high dive. It was so crazy, but she kept me from officially going crazy in those years.
Another friend who shall remain nameless forced me, and I do mean forced me at that point in my life, to exercise with her. I hated every minute of it, but I loved every minute with her as she gave me a break and let me be real about how long my days were and even let me talk about how great I thought I used to be. [Insert eye roll]; Those two friends secretly helped me keep me from losing my mind those years… well that and tacos and ice cream and Joyce Meyer teaching the Word on TV.
This preceded my discovery and motivation to eat well and fix my gut and study the Word on my own. Why do I tell you this? Because this picture below is how someone’s pain can become a purpose. It was birthed from the idea that no woman should sit alone. There is an enemy who wants us all to think that we are alone because united and mentally healthy we are a force to be reckoned with. Our energy alone that feeds off each other, if positive, can set a world on fire. We are the emotional hubs of our families too. Everyone cues off of us.
But here’s another truth, we love new things, I do anyway, but starting something new often leads to self-doubt. And until a sweet new friend, Rachael Vincent, came into the picture and showed up not knowing anyone late last Fall, I had decided the idea of Coffee Chat (pictured below) was a dud and I had better things to do. Let it go.
But no that girl came in with the craziest story of almost not coming because the anxiety was too much with a one year old and a two-year-old in tow, but she was happy she pushed through that. And then she preceded to tell me how coming had given her a new faith that God does see her, and he understands that he’s waiting on us to have some guts and be obedient to do the gutsy hard things sometimes to bless us.
Your best life does take guts! She was a breath of fresh air – this girl! She was and is excited to see folks every month. And then on this day this month… I was frustrated I had so much to do and it was Coffee Chat day. Sigh. Get over myself! Showing up is half the battle was the dialogue in my head. And so I did. And as usual God showed off- gained 3 new friends today and one who providentially (literally) found us last month came back. Lots of nervous hellos but everyone stepping out in faith. Motherhood is beautiful. Sisterhood is beautiful. But what’s more beautiful to me is how God takes our pain, heightens our sensitivity to others with similar struggles, and then ask us to do something with that. He turns pain into purpose and compassion. And when we do …you can sit back and watch his grace take things to a whole other realm of blessings you weren’t expecting. And that, my sisters, is one way your best life takes guts!
Coffee Chat. If local, we meet every 2nd Friday of the month at McDonald’s on Eagle Drive. All are welcome. There’s no agenda. It’s just a way to say …”We see you girl. You need a friend. You are not alone. Look up. God sees you too.” It is a way to begin authentic friendships that help another like my two friends helped me.
Girls…we were built for community, healthy community, even the most introverted soul. We need relationships. I could go on for pages of why this is so. But for only one reason here today will I share. Healthy community, notice I said heathy, is life-giving—fun, encouraging, abounding in love, and an essential to following Christ —- to living your best life. Scripture says when we grow in our relationships with others, we grow in our relationship with God, becoming more Christ-like (Hebrews 10:24-25). And frankly who doesn’t want that?
*Reposted from www.heatherhowell.com initially published February 17, 2019. Updated to reflect current meeting times for Coffee Chat.
